Coming up this month is my two year wedding anniversary with Ben. This is made more amusing by the fact that Ben insists that in fact, we're not married, and the thing that I took as our wedding never happened. I'm sitting around thinking "But, dude, it HAPPENED."
So, here's my memory, two years ago, of Ben and I making a commitment to each other, that I considered a marriage and he does not. ( Collapse )
Please keep in mind, that Ben believes that one needs a bit of paper from the government to be married. I think that's a nice bonus thing, but much like cake, unnecessary unless one wants insurance. For me a marriage is two people joining their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor, as well as making a commitment to each other. Here's how I remember it:
We were at the apartment on Brodie Lane. Ben had been driving to visit us every other weekend, exhausting himself, after dropping off girlchild, who I had not met. We were lounging nude on the big round bed, either post-sex or post-nap, I can't remember which (probably nap, I don't remember being sticky.) The window was open and this lovely golden light was pouring through from behind Ben, his hair curled and tussled and glowing like a halo, his body seeming to be lit from within. He was perfect and beautiful, with one hand propping up his head, like a classic Odalisque painting.
He said he was so sad waiting two weeks to see us, that this was killing him. The drive was too much. He missed sleeping snuggled with us. He just missed being with us, but he wasn't sure about the next step.
We talked about him moving in. He asked me if I'd be willing to parent Girlchild, and (having thought/talked about it a lot before) I said yes, I'd raise his daughter like my own. He asked about finances, I said if he wanted, I'd add him as a joint partner on my accounts (he already knew my PIN for my ATM card, and it bothered him quite a bit). After all the dating, the talking, the phone calls, the IM's... I knew I wanted Ben as a part of my life for as far as I could see, and I trusted him with my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor. I never wanted to be apart from him again.
He said he felt the same way, and in that moment, with him in the golden light, I felt it. Warm like honey, joy filled me, and it hasn't left. That thing that all the money, the dresses, the craziness tries to celebrate and create was there, and even in our cranky moments I still feel. I get to be a part of this incredible person's life, and I get to share my life with them.
That was the moment- in Feburary, hell if I know the day, that I devoted myself, with no holding back or reserve, to living the rest of my life with Ben.
About that time, Jeff came out of the bathroom cleanly showered, and joined our conversation. We all came to the same conclusion, that we needed to be together. After that, we lay snuggling in the bed, all of us glowing with happiness, laughing.
It took some time to arrange for him to move in with us, for me to meet Eris, and for everything to work out, but after that day, after those decisions, it all came together. That was the moment we went from sex and fun to forging a new family. That moment is when, in my heart, Ben and I were married.
Dating Ben was great. Living my life with him day in and day out, however, is better. Every day I know how lucky I am to have Ben in my life, he's so funny, so complex and so amazing. I love him, and I'm honored to be in his life.
I love him, and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.
Happy anniversary, honey.